Mental Dialogue

It doth returns to haunt it.

Just when I want to think I’ve got this all under control, my brain calmly states, “Is that so? Watch this.”

It had been a long time since I’ve attended a concert, so I was looking forward to getting to attend one with my kids. I wanted it to be special, so we got front row seats, bought merch and got to the meet the band afterward for a short chat and autographs.

Not only are they great artists with a range of talent, but they were cool people to share a short chat with.

However, as I have said so many times before, my brain hates me.

It has relentless replayed bits of that interaction in jumbled way and with exaggerated emphasis on anything potentially embarrassing: everything from things said and things not said, things that happened and things that did not happen. My brain is actively trying to put me down any way it can, even if it’s got to make it up.

In all likelihood, I didn’t say or do anything particularly embarrassing. Heck, I doubt they paid me any more attention. They most likely remember the guys who brought tons of memorabilia from the band’s early days. Me, I’m nothing more that the thousands of fans they might meet for five minutes ever year.

Yes, my self-defeating brain won’t shut up. It’s been hard to sleep the past few days. If I let my guard down, for even a second, my brain will replay a snippet and tell me I’m an idiot and a fool and a goofball would shouldn’t talk to anyone, that I should be ashamed to even think of opening my mouth, that I shouldn’t even went to the concert, that I should have just remained shut in and never leave.

If there is anyone out there who never experiences this, I am exceedingly jealous of you.

I want to shut it up. I want it to stop. But the harder I try, the louder it gets. It’s maddening. And this is why some choose violent ends. It feels as if the only way to get the brain to stop is to stop the brain from functioning. Sure the side effect kind of sucks, but at least the incessant self-defeating mental dialogue will finally stop. For once in this miserable existence, there will finally be silence, peace, tranquility.

It sounds so magical, so inviting, so pleasant.

If you, too, feel like this, you are not alone. There are many of us struggling. Sometimes getting up the use the bathroom feels pointless, but we do, even if it takes all our available energy at that time. Just know you are not struggling alone. There are many of us out here who feel the same way. We likely won’t meet each other; that’s just our nature, but we are here.

Even though I struggle to solve my situation, I want to offer other’s hope. Funny, how that too seems part of our nature. We instinctively wish to be kind to everyone else but ourselves.