Today, I received notice again that the Veterans Administration declined my claim for lung damage while deployed but said instead that I have rhinitis. Well, that seems to do me no good.
To top that, I get no benefits from it; in fact, I’m likely going to have to pay the VA a bunch of back pay because they still had it that I was married. With the economy spinning out of control, I’ve already had to cut back on a lot, but if the VA comes after me for thousands of dollars in back pay, then I’m going to become poor fast.
I’ll have to cut off every subscription that brings me an ounce of joy just so I can keep some food on the table. This thought made me so sad, I just sat and cried as waves of feeling like a failure washed over me.
As much as I try to just make it day to day, something always comes around the bend to dick-punch me. And I’m not sure I’ll survive this one. I haven’t felt this horrible in a while.
I lost all joy. Turned everything off and took a nap. I still feel like crap, but I’m still here, going through the motions, waiting for the other shoe to fall with the weight of a grand piano right on top of my head.
Every bad memory took this moment to rear and kick me in the face with everything embarrassing in my past. I want this to go away. I want my brain to stop. I want even a sliver basic self-respect. But it’s not happening. It’s not going anywhere. This is my curse.
I’m a failed experiment that just gets by on faking it.
If there is a heaven, God’s messenger will just tell me I was too broken to fix, and broken people aren’t allowed. If there is re-incarnation, the enlightened ones will just tell me I failed and that I need to go back to being a worm to see if I can even do that right. If there’s a universal lifestream, I would just be cut off like an infested tumor and sealed away to wallow alone, unable to be repaired and unworthy of acknowledgement.
It’s not “healthy” to think like this, I know, but it is instinctive. I can’t turn it off. It won’t go away. If I’m being tested, then congratulations, you win; I lose.
yay