No Friend

I’m lonely, not just alone but lonely. I’ve done this to myself and continue to block any attempt at friendship.

I’ve been burnt way too many times to risk it. When friendship falls apart, my world is destroyed. If it happens again, I may not survive. So I catch myself before any friendship forms, and the iron shutters come down like a sledge.

I remain on this side of that barrier, lonely.

There is no one I can trust. Hell, I don’t even trust myself. So, I’m lonely.

I don’t know if I’ll adapt to this or spiral into madness. Each has fair odds at this point.

The issue that truly bother me, that I worry incessantly about, is that I cannot see myself ever able to trust anyone ever again. So I have no help, just me and a self-destructive brain.

Logic tells me that I need to let it out, that I need to share to unburden myself, but doing so just burdens others who are unable to cope with it as well, leading them to betray me. They have in the past, and there’s no indication that’ll change. I can’t trust again. One can have their heart stomped on only so many times.

I want a friend, I really do. But I will prevent it. Self-preservation will win, and I am so very good at being cold, distant and prickly.

It is a fortress of my own making. Deep within, I sit in empty halls with my only companion being the echo of myself breathing.