Today, I had a good cry.
Seems like a strange phrase to use, but those who know know.
I looked up lists of songs about loneliness. Most were just the standard “you cheated on me” or “I don’t like you no more” crud, but I did find a couple that had raw, exposed emotion that can only come from true heartache and not a superficial bruised ego. The two that stood out were Demi Lovato’s “Stone Cold” and Beth McCarthy’s “She Gets the Flowers”. Those hit so hard they hurt.
I don’t know what to do now. All I can do is be lonely; I control nothing else. I’m too broken. I’ll hurt anyone that tries to get close; my jagged bits will just cut and cut until they bleed to death.
This left me wondering if I should even “improve myself”. Now what would I be improving and to whose standards? If I improve myself in her eyes, would that be sacrificing who I might truly be just for petty revenge? I suspect so. So how do you improve yourself for you when you have no belief that you’re even worth the time of day? I’ve got no answer. All I can do is do whatever I want to do and let all the regret pile until it eventually buries me in the dirt.
It won’t make me happy, but I don’t know what would make me happy anymore. Everything I think I enjoy just hurts me in the end.
Maybe when my kids are finally grown and on their own, I can just crawl into the woods and under a tree where the heartache, pain, regret, all of it can just die with me, alone.