I\u2019ve always had an easier time forgiving other people than myself. That\u2019s not to say, I don\u2019t hold grudges; I do, sometimes horribly long for very petty things. However, I seem unable to forgive myself, the one person I know is flawed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In my serious relationships, I\u2019ve always overlooked everything that bothered me until it became overwhelming to the point of subconscious passive aggressiveness. Even still, I would say nothing was wrong and mean it, as if I refused to allow myself to see the fault in someone I cared about, like a loyal dog who doesn\u2019t know any better each time it gets kicked. But people don\u2019t want loyalty in relationships apparently; it\u2019s the first to be admired but last to be desired.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My fault comes when that loyalty is rejected, and the other person breaks it off. Then it switches from \u201cthis person can do no wrong\u201d to \u201cthis person can do no right\u201d because I see the previous relationship as a sham, a lie, this person was not as loyal as I was, even when that loyalty was tainted by subversive refusal to acknowledge what was wrong. When it is all said and done, I\u2019m the flaw that caused the relationship to sour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Maybe that is at the heart of my refusal to forgive myself. I chose to be loyal when I shouldn\u2019t have; I chose to make a decision based on limited information; I chose to sound more knowledgeable than I was, all because I didn\u2019t know more until later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
By the end of the day, I\u2019ll even know more making even this rant seem foolish, na\u00efve and uninformed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What never changes is that I know nothing. The world is too vast to know, let alone understand, everything. Just like everyone, I\u2019m just winging it, making calls and decisions with just the little bit of flawed understanding I have at the moment. That\u2019s all any of us can do, and while I forgive others for that, I beat myself over the head for doing the same.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Or is that a lie I tell myself? Do my actual actions and words expose me for the fraud that I am? I suspect the later to be true, even when my brain refuses to see this massive weakness in myself instead of the self-harm over far more petty weaknesses that should be forgiven.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve always had an easier time forgiving other people than myself. That\u2019s not to say, I don\u2019t hold grudges; I do, sometimes horribly long for very petty things. However, I seem unable to forgive myself, the one person I know is flawed. In my serious relationships, I\u2019ve always overlooked everything that bothered me until it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-45","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-random"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=45"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":156,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/45\/revisions\/156"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=45"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=45"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=45"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}