No one should ever believe anything I write or say because I know nothing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m just winging it. I want to feel like I have the answers, that I know the truth, that I understand the complex. But I don’t; I never have, never will. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For some reason, my ego wants to feel important, it strives to defend my thoughts, feelings, emotions; however, all those things are subjective and indefensible. So after my mouth gets too big for my britches, logic comes and tramples on the parade sending me into a self-hating depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I don’t want to be that person, but instinct or something keeps driving me that direction, the direction I know I will hate, the direction that only leads to shame and embarrassment, the direction that leads me to be a pompous blowhard trying to fit in, to want to fit in, but I don’t. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. I just fake it and hate myself later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m a lazy failure of a human being. That’s the reality. Any intelligence I ever had, I pissed it away by joining the military and letting them decide what I was and was not going to do. So I gave up any ambition I had. Any spark of life faded. Just went through motions and eventually hid behind a facade of the grizzled sergeant. The reality is I’m just bitter for never having lived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every time I try to be social, it fails. I’m awkward. I focus on and think about things no once else seems to, likely because I don’t know who I am, never have. I just run and hide, waiting for death to finally rid the world of this fat failure I’ve become. I’m a disgrace. I shouldn’t be. I haven\u2019t done anything important. I just waste oxygen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m not even wise. There’s no amazing revelations of life-lessons in my head. I just make wild-ass assumptions based on very little information. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I know nothing worth a damn. I wish I did so much so that I’ll pretend I do. But that’s all just bullshit: my mouth trying to justify my brain’s continued existence. Humanity nor nature neither benefit in any way from the continuation of this resource draining bulbous lump of misshaped carbon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That’s the reality. It really is the reason and justification for suicide. However, I’ve got meds that fight to keep me from it. I don’t know why. I have no real reason to live. Life has become boring, painful and tedious. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
For the past couple of days, my mind has set out to remind me of all the embarrassing, stupid and horrendous experiences I had in the military. It has become hard to sleep, again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Any pride I had, left me long ago. I faked that pride with plaques and certificates in an effort to fake it until you make it, but I never regained it. At this age, I doubt I ever will. I’ve been divorced twice; there’s no better indication than that of my complete and utter failure in life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There’s no one to blame but me. I did this to myself. My brain has long conspired against me through the nearly non-stop harassment of every stupid thing I’ve done so much so that if there’s any successes in there I wouldn’t know. I can’t see them. All I see is failure. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
So I attempt once again to retreat from humanity. No one needs a failure like me around. I’ll just bring everyone down, everyone who knows who they are, who has fun figured out. I haven’t; I won’t. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
But the meds keep me from removing this stain from humanity. So I’ll just hide out of sight and remain quiet until my horrendous diet and health finally do me in. No doc can keep me alive forever. Until then, my brain will just keep reminding me of the horrible human I am. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
No one should ever believe anything I write or say because I know nothing. I’m just winging it. I want to feel like I have the answers, that I know the truth, that I understand the complex. But I don’t; I never have, never will. For some reason, my ego wants to feel important, it […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":403,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-404","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-random"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=404"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":749,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/404\/revisions\/749"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/403"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=404"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=404"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thedragoncorps.com\/musings\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=404"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}